All my life I have been a pretty shy person. I was the person that would sit in the group on the phone while the others chatted away. Once I warmed up to everyone I got less shy and I talked away. But it still happened every time I talk to the same people or new people. I would be left out of conversations because I would be too scared to talk and well I would think people hate me. 

Now I could have just been a really shy child or I could have been a child with really bad anxiety but no one knew. I didn’t realize I had such bad anxiety until I would say about high school when other people had problems like mine and when social media started getting more vocal about mental health. 

Some people who know me or have seen me may say you don’t have anxiety or well you act fine the other people who do and that is very true. Maybe it’s the way I handle mine or I’m just quiet in some aspects of it. 

I’m not someone to have a lot of panic or anxiety attacks or do other things that people may do with anxiety.

When it comes to mine and like others, all my anxiety is in my head. All the time every day every night. I will be laughing and having a good talk with someone but most likely something is going on in my mind. It’s like my brain is an endless hole of judgement. Did I say the wrong thing? Am I being too annoying? Do they hate me yet and well so on. 

My mind just happens to be a very big mess. Now sometimes it turns to spring cleaning and I am totally fine maybe even way happier than I ever been then somehow I leave something on the ground and it turns into a big mess. 

Going out and buying things or asking someone who works at a place for help is something you will not find me doing. Like if there is something on a shelf that I cannot reach that I really need either I will wait for a family/friend to come in the same aisle I am or I’ll just have to get it another day. 

Don’t even get me started on changes. As everyone knows everyone or well most people hate change but I think with anxiety it makes it ten maybe even a hundred times worse. Like a start of a new semester with new teachers and new friends or a big change like graduate from school and going to work unless you had a job during school. 

In my mind I know I need to work and well I have been home for too long I need to start working sooner or later but my mind sometimes hates it. Knowing the fact I have to go into this whole new work environment and meet people and all that fun stuff is pure panic and pure fear. 

Especially during quarantine, everything has gotten worse and it seems even texting clients for the project is a job and a half. 

I hate how my brain works. I hate the fact I fear everything I judge everything I do. I hate the fact that my brain is wired to be a mess. Having anxiety sucks. Having to work through it and accept things and just live life sounds so easy. It’s not so easy… 

To all the people who have anxiety. We probably will never talk to each other because well we have anxiety.