Four years ago if you said “Oh you might have Imposter Syndrome” I would be confused and wondering what the hell that meant and would have to do a google search of some sort. When I heard about it. It was actually from a show and they were talking about how this person had imposter syndrome and they started talking about all the things that people do, say and think when they have it.
I remember reading through about imposter syndrome and thinking well I don’t have this. This is not me and I kinda just forgot about it because my brain is a mess and well I forgot things all the time.
But it wasn’t until I started doing good on Fiverr which is the place I do my freelance writing. I would soon get five stars on each order and the people’s reviews were great. They were telling me I was an amazing writer and that it was worth the money and that I had a great writing future ahead of me. At the time when I got the reviews, I would be happy and so proud of myself and that all my hard work was actually paying off.
It was like a part of my dream is coming to life which is a sense is true and that one day my writing will hopefully take off.
However the happy oh yeah I’m gonna make it feeling only lasted hours before it was back to I am a horrible writer. My writing is absolutely trash and my writing will never be something one day. Now a lot of writers’ minds are also like that we can be the best writer but still think our work is horrible.
It was so strange though. Like I would read these reviews and these random people who I barely knew at all were telling me my writing was amazing but I still doubted myself I didn’t believe them.
Each time I got an order I was stressed. Not because I didn’t have a lot of time or that I had writer’s block of some sort. It was my brain doubting me. Doubting my every single move as a writer. It sucked and it still sucks. It’s like depression. It’s a battle going on inside my head. The imposter wants to be right wants me to know that I am horrible but then the other half is like “uhhhh shut up please and thank you”. All this writing all this hard work I was doing. It didn’t seem good enough. For me. Not for anyone else only for me.
Even writing some of these blogs I think who really wants to read these. The mind is such a weird place and very confusing. I always say that each blog it seems but it’s true it’s confusing messy and overall just weird.
The worst is when I am trying to get projects done for myself. Like writing another book or learning how to write a script. It’s stop me and it halts the process. All that time I can be writing and learning new things but instead, I am doing everything else but the project itself.
Sometimes I just had to sit down and write and most of the time I do that I look back at what I wrote and it’s “What?” but if I don’t force myself or at least give me a little bump I won’t get anything done at all. See it’s a battle.
I always ask myself does anyone else relate to these blog posts or am I just sharing too much about myself. I don’t really know at all, however.
I do know that there are billions or trillions I don’t know people on earth and at least 3 of them relate.
The brain itself will always be confusing and I’m just here trying to figure it out.
