Man oh man. 

You know I hear that alot. In shows and movies mostly well, not the man oh man part but the five stages of grief part. When the character loses someone or a breakup happens it’s the five stages of grief. Comedians sometimes joke about it and people giving advice well they talk about it. However, I have never really had someone in my life who has gone through it and I never lost someone that would cause it. 

It’s a weird thing you know. Grief is a horrible terrible word actually. 

When I think about the five stages of grief I know there is anger, denial, depression, and acceptance but there’s the surprise one that no one talks about and it’s called bargaining. Google says it’s when you bargain with a higher power. To the god you believe in. The universe. 

Being twenty-one or even in my twenties I feel like it’s often said that’s when all the crazy shit happens. You lose people, you befriend people you lose yourself, and relearn about yourself to become mature but in your twenties, you’re good and safe and hopefully healthy. My 20s so far haven’t been as crazy and I was ok. 

One day you’re ok. One day you’re happy and your healthy and life is ok of course things could probably be better but your ok and that’s what matters. 

Then all of a sudden you’re not. 

All of a sudden something happens and completely fucks you up pardon my language.

In October I was doing great. I was excited for Halloween since this was the first year that I was really working on my costume. I was handmaking my mask and was spending money on little things so I would have a cool costume. I was buying Halloween candy for the kids and bought cute bags to use to put the candy in. 

However as always plans never go the way they should. Usually for the better. This was for the worse. 

I get hit by a car. 

It was like a movie all of a sudden every time I opened my eyes something else was happening. The first time people surrounded me, the next the fireman told me I was going to be ok or that the ambulance was on the way that part is a bit foggy. The next the doors open of the ambulance and a team of nurses stand afoot. The last is the hospital ceiling being blinded by the lights. 

From head to toe, I had broken bones or fractured as they call it. From brain bleeds to facial fractures to a half-paralyzed face and my hearing getting messed up. To a broken pelvis and a broken knee. Then the boring ones of a small fractured neck and some bone in my shoulder.

I won’t bore you with the details of everything else so let’s just jot note some small stuff and carry on. 

The first week at the hospital was agony because well I got hit by a car now I will say the worst pain that I had was a headache you would think my entire body would be ache in agony but it wasn’t. But the agony of it was my own mind. Because all you can do in those moments or well all I could do was blame myself. Telling myself I shouldn’t have gone out and that I should have just stayed home. If I just stayed home we would not be in this situation.

Man was it hard. 

The funny part was the hospital how early bedtimes were well for me at least. Everyone started going to bed at like eight/nine so there were times when I would be awake when the rest were asleep. The time when I had no more distractions from the world. No nurses checking my blood pressure. Just me. Man was my mind so rude to me I was so hard on myself. I remember thinking to myself I was ok three days ago and now here I am lying on a hospital bed. I can’t walk because of my broken knee. I can’t eat food because of my facial fractures which landed me with being on a terrible fucking liquid diet. My hearing was gone to trash and I couldn’t even move half of my face all because I went outside. God was my mind so mean to me. It wasn’t fair. `

Night after night it was the same thing a war in my mind quite literally that I could not win. Each night I told myself that we couldn’t go back no matter how much we wanted to all we could do was move forward every night for so many nights. Then one night whatever night it was I told myself that again I could not go back forward was the only option and maybe it was my mind far too lazy to fight again or maybe the other half of my brain bitched and slapped the other side which it totally deserved but one night I accepted it and no longer was so mean to myself. I know that sentence comes off easy and even typing it it does but it wasn’t. Even thinking back about it I don’t know how I accepted it. I wish I remembered but I just did as stupid and easy-sounding. 

Now of course even though I stopped being really mean to my brain I wasn’t in the clear of being this happy person. 

Then denial I guess turned to anger. I couldn’t hear my own music without blasting it to a hundred and even that sounded quiet, I couldn’t walk like I did when I got depressed and I couldn’t even eat food and was stuck to some now very disgusting soup oh man was I angry. I was angry at everyone. My friends, my family, myself, other people oh god was I angry. 

I was this independent person. Growing up as an only child does that to you. I always did things by myself and I loved it but this accident took all of it away. Small things made me angry big things made me even angrier. I would slam my fists to the table after having my soup because all I wanted was a burger or even an egg and I HATE EGGS. It’s not like I could walk away after an argument with someone. 

Bargaining and depression aha. I am someone who believes in all gods. There’s actually a word for that but it’s long and I forgot and I feel like if I used that word people would look at me with three heads. But I believe in all gods. The day of the accident when I was in and out of it. I called a group meeting of all the gods begging. But back to where I was. Loki is someone I worship the most I talked to and well bargained with. 

When I started eating it still wasn’t like before since I had a terrible dry mouth and half of my face still wasn’t moving. Depression was close by or even intertwined with bargaining. I was depressed about everything. What made it worse was since half of my face didn’t work I couldn’t cry not even out the good side of my face. I had all this bottled-up emotion that wasn’t going anywhere. 

Finally, in December I was eating more still wasn’t the best but I was eating food and I got the ok to start walking. My doctor told me to take it slow but hell I was wheelchair and couch bounced for two months. The moment I got the ok I started walking and did not slow down. When I got home I just walked around just because. 

Now skips to January and my really bad limp is gone and my face is actually starting to move bit by bit I mean I can smile now which I couldn’t do a few weeks ago and my eyebrow and my eye well there catching up. My hearing is far better but still bad and the constant ringing is annoying but I deal with it. 

The other day I was on the phone with my best friend I said you know what can I tell you something really weird and he said sure and I said I’m ok with my accident you know I wouldn’t change it for the world I mean if I could go back in time and change it I would but I can’t but I wouldn’t change it for the world and I’m ok and happy and he said yeah because you accepted it and I was like oh yeah I guess your right and then he goes yeah the five stages of grief the last stage. 

It’s one thing to grieve over someone else. But it’s another to grieve over yourself. 

It’s also very odd to go through the five stages of grief without actually knowing you’re going through it. I remember one part in my depression where thoughts of not being alive came up and I remember one of my doctors asking if they should be concerned and I said “I worked my ass too hard to get where I am now to simply just die” aha that was the truth. I didn’t spend weeks in the hospital and a month without eating and two months without walking just to say see yeah hell no. Far to stubborn to do that. 

So the point of this blog post you ask. 

Enjoy your food 

Enjoy crying 

Just enjoy. 

Even the stupid terrible word called grief.