When I first became a writer well really got into writing I wrote fan fiction and the thing about fan fiction is that everyone is already kinda made for you right? Like the characters, the personality, the world, all the perks and all the hidden things but of course, coming up with some small things and whatever. 

So when I first wrote the first draft of my first story it was an action/ YA story with a splash of mystery and all that fun stuff. When I first wrote it the story was a story it has its characters it had its different personalities it had its own things which was ok but when it came to this type of story and me wanting for it to be a series it didn’t have all that much and the world that in evolved it was barely even a thing. 

Then I left the story for years and with that, I would come up with so much stuff. From different places in the book to different ranks of people in the book to rules to the small things that would make sense later on in the series. I just had all these things and it was amazing because not only was this story just some story it had a world and it had more of a world than it had before. To this day I am actually happy that I left the story back because if I have moved on to the other books in the series then I would have missed out on so much. Like I created a new group within the group that would have a huge impact, I gave characters titles that would be very important later on and just such small things like I said before and I seem to be repeating. 

So it was all set, the world of course wasn’t entirely done but I had the main idea, I had the side ideas and I had the small ideas and I said you know what maybe it’s time to finally do a rewrite and make all this stuff happen and well make sense. 

But as I wrote the prologue of the story I just remember sitting back and telling myself holy shit how the fuck am I supposed to write this monster of a story that I have created. The dozens of notes on my phone, the dozens of notes wandering around in my head, the dozens of notes that I wrote in my notebook in my room that I always forget I now need to write them. The story that was once small and not as detailed as now is quite literally on fire and man did it become overwhelming. I remember writing the outline and thinking to myself well I had to put this character in soon because they’re important and then I was like well I need to write flashbacks to in the next book well the new character will make sense. 

All of a sudden I was freaking out like I knew this book would be a long book when it came to how many chapters and how many words even though it’s not a fantasy book but the overwhelming sense of wanting to make sure you get everything and not all at once but slowly through the entire book it’s horrible its anxiety and my god. 

The funniest part about one was that in my notes the main character would do this thing and for the longest time I LITERALLY had no idea why I just knew she would do it a lot and make others do it due to rules and stuff and it was when I was writing the prologue one night and I was writing away and somehow I solved my question like at out of nowhere and I was like woahhh. 

That’s what’s fun about writing is you can kinda just change things as you go and sometimes as much as you have an outline and all these notes for world-building and all the stuff you need to add it’s fun to learn about your characters and the world itself as you write and that you can rewrite it again and again and again and 100 more times and learn more things and add more things. 

But in the end. 

I love writing 

I also hate writing and it will 

Be the death of me.